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“…And you will mend.” These words come from a poem by David Tensen. I have the entirety of the poem in my “Things I’ve Held Tight To” as well as posted below. I held tight to these words specifically as a promise.

I have felt so unimaginably broken through this year after walking out of another terrible church situation. Another pastor was found guilty of abusing his position. The church was split about who was lying. Who the devil was attacking. Whether this was a spiritual attack or God’s justice.

Things were said about women that should never have been said. There were shouting matches in the parking lots. More pastors put on leave. A move to put the remaining pastors on leave. Someone crying in my office at least once a week.

That season was rough. It’s one I’m still processing of course, but it’s not even the main ministry trauma I’ve been working through. My twenties have been littered with experiences from forced inner healing because I disagreed with a curriculum, diagnosed with various “spirits,” and having the “Holy Spirit determine my hourly pay,” to gaslighting in meetings, men following women around telling them they know they’re liars, and hearing spineless pastors say vial things about women.

After each period, I felt like I was at the end of myself. I have found good mentors (through horrible trial and error) to help me recover or at least recognize that I need to recover and gave me some valuable resources. I was always optimistic that that was a one off and the next one wouldn’t be like that. But it was in a different and sometimes worse way. This past year I felt more broken then ever and began to think there was something so damaged within me that I would never be fixed. That I would always have high anxiety, be unable to trust anyone, and often live in two or more moments at the same time.

Then I found this poem. David Tensen for me has had a great ability to voice where I am and lead me towards hope. I held onto that phrase “…and you will mend” through the last year as I once again process and analyze what happened, how the organization got there, how I got there, and how I can grow from that. Because, while I’ve been deeply wounded, I’m committed to God which means I am committed to His Bride as well. I hope that in reading some of my thoughts from the last decade of my life and hearing how I’ve processed things, you can mend too.

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